My Life As A Teacher –A Ten Minute Snapshot

Why only ten minutes? Because I’m certain that’s all it’ll take for you to get the picture. First hour is as good as any place to start. Two minutes before class starts I get an email that a parent is coming in at the end of the hour to pick up progress reports for her son. No problem, print it off and send it off to the office, call the rest of my team and remind them to do the same. First Fire of the day extinguished.

Next it’s Meds and Roll call. Never heard of such a monster? It’s when I take roll and also check to see who is benefiting from a little help from their friend. I’ve got 3 kids on ADD and Anti Psychotic/Anxiety drugs in this particular class. Not taking the time to ensure that those jagged little pills are swallowed will certainly spell disaster later in the day.



So I begin—Amy? -“here” –Meds Down? “Yes”
Tommy? “here”- Meds Down? “No” ---ok go to the office and take them
Jimmy? “here” Meds Down? “I don’t need no stinking meds!”
Yes you do.
“NO I DON”T!!! I hate that crap it makes me a zombie.”
You need it so you can be productive Jimmy, go take your meds and be prepared to do the tongue test so we know it went down otherwise we are going to have wrap it in a piece of cheese like you do for Fido and rub your neck till you swallow it.

“Fine I’ll take my freaking meds, but only if you take some anti-bitch meds and get off my ass!”>insert door slamming and stomping down the stairs. Wow a new record two weekend words in one sentence, good job Jimmy.

Sometimes I think I am just Nurse Ratched, dispensing little cups of happy pills to my students in an ill attempt to stave off them shanking me or another student the first chance they get. Unfortunately this year, I think it’s inevitable , drugs down or not.

Whaaa Whaaa Whaaa Go Tell Someone Who Gives A Fuck

As many of you know I give my students nicknames every year. Typically it takes at least a card marking for a kid to "earn" a nick name from me, however, every once in a while I have an overachiever who ears his before the first week of school is over.

This year that certain overachiever would be Jimmy.... Now Jimmy came to school on Monday morning complaining about everything under the sun. He's tired, he's hungry, he hates school, he hates the me, the kid next to him smells , he missed the bus, he has no lunch money...blah blah blahhhhhhhh blahhhhhhh.

Just as he finished his morning bitchfest the bell rings and class begins, with his list of grievances against the world fresh in my mind I start calling kids names for roll.....

Amy Adams- here

John Brown- here

Anthony Johnson-here

Jenny Martin-here

Robert Smith-here

then I pause...knowing my moment for sheer genius has come and I seize the opportunity to manipulate Jimmy's name for evil not good and assign him a be fitting nickname.....

And last but not least we all know that little ray of sunshine Jimmy "Whiner"croft is here .....that's right I jacked up his last name and so geniusesly incorporated the word whiner into it....What can I say he opened the door for it and I gladly took him to the bank on it....we'll see how well he takes to his new A.K.A. I am secretly hoping it follows him around till he graduates high school, hell I hope people are calling him Jimmy Whinercroft at his 20 year reunion, now wouldn't that be the shitz.

Disclaimer.....Names have been changed to protect the innocent...being me, seriously I don't use my kids real names but I did incorporate the word Whiner in Jimmy's name.

The Student Whisperer

They're back! Yep, a new batch of little devils, I mean lovely students. I have to say so far I have been impressed with my new batch of kids this year. I had heard some horror stories about their behavior and well I am just hoping that the honeymoon period lasts a while longer before I run into problems.

One goal I had at the beginning of the year was to get a handle on the kids talking in class from day one. I have the biggest problem with this in 6th hour when the kids come for academic support. Basically this is an hour for them to get one on one help from me with work they didn't finish in their classes.

However they seem to think this is the social hour and always want to talk to the kid sitting next to them. So I had this brilliant idea to come up with some kind of verbal cue to get them to stop talking, and I thought I'd just go all dog whisperer on them and make that annoying noise that Cesar Millan makes when he's trying to get a dog that is yipping to quit barking.

Yeah it sounds like I am being inhumane but you know what it works. For instance today, a student initiated a conversation with a student next to him and every time he said a word I piped up with that annoying "pssshhhh," till he finally just gave up the conversation knowing I wasn't going to allow him to finish his sentence.

It's kinda funny because just as I was in the midst of "psssshhhhing" the chatty student the school counselor came in the room to rinse out her coffee cup in my sink. She kind of flashed me a weird look when she heard me and that's when I told her I was the student whisperer, she immediately chuckled and got my point, then asked me if I needed any choker collars....lol, hopefully not.

I Wasn't Kidding About The Whole Electrical Vortex Thing

234 WATTS Body Battery Calculator - Find Out How Much Electricity Your Body is Producing -

According to this extremely "scientific" source (tongue in cheek) I have enough power in my body to light up 2 light bulbs; wow not sure I could get two light bulbs in my mouth to test out that theory. I also could power 59 iPods, hummm damn if I could just power the "one" I have that'd be great, that sucker is forever dying on me.

Oh and supposedly I have enough electrical energy to power 1 Xbox 360, don't tell Greg that, he'll be wanting me to come to Cali just so I could charge his Xbox while he play his Guitar Hero game. I can just see me on the hamster wheel now, while he's yelling run faster Kat, I have a two minute solo coming up....Ohhhhh Barracuda!

Remind Me...Why Do I Come Here Every Day?????

Oh yeah, I love my job. Wish it were true lately, but it's not. No lately I hate my job. Last Friday in particular was one of those days when by 3rd hour I needed a stiff drink, and make it a double while you are at it. Where is my flask when I need it?

I don't know if it's cabin fever or what, but my student's behaviors have been completely terrible the past two weeks. Unless you've hung around middle school students lately, and in particular one's with special needs, I don't think you can completely understand what I deal with on a good day let alone a bad one. Now I am not just talking that my students are slow to learn, that is the least of my problems, no I am dealing with bi-polar, schizophrenic, and emotionally impairments on top of the learning disabilities. It can make for some tough days.

Just when I think the day can't get any worse I am delivered the news that I will be getting a new student...not just any student, but the worst behaved student in my grade. Adding him to the current crazy mixture is going to be nothing but disastrous.

Now I am not one to give up on a kid so easily, in fact I am usually the one last shot for a kid to get his shit together. I usually have success with even the most hard-core students. But I am felling like I 'm being set up to fail with this kid. He already has a file that is 5 inches thick of documentation of his ill behaviors beginning on the first day of kindergarten though this year.

He already has a parole officer and has been hauled out of school in handcuffs by our liasion officer. Oh did I mention I teach in a "Public" school? Who'd of thunk hugh? The principal as warned our team of teachers that this kid would blow one day before the end of the school year, unfortunately I have a bad feeling it's going to happen in my class. He's got one more chance this year, if he messes up once more he will begin his carreer of incarsaration by going to the juvinile detention center.

I'm trying to be optimistic here but I am afreaid this is going to end badly, thinking he's gonna go out with a bang----I just pray that involve the need for handcuffs or an ambulence. Or more importantly me being hauled off in an ambulence. Yeah I am really loving my job today, now you know why I sooooo need my summer vacation.

If Only Rubber Soled Shoes Weren't So Fugly

I think I have an electrical vortex field around me. I know a weird way to start a post, but humor me for the all of three minutes it take you to read this post. I've never had any luck with electronics. I'm on my third laptop in less than 4 years, all scumming to some form of major electrical meltdown.

Now my Ipod hates me...yeah joined the crowd and my Parents bought me one for Christmas. Its the New Nano with video..not that I will ever figure out how to get any porn on there. So much for porn on the go. Anyway, love it.. well when the fucker works that is.

Basically it has been a pain in the ass since I took it out of the box. First it didn't want to sync, then out of the blue the screen whited out. I could listen to music however couldn't read the menu which well made it difficult. So I call Apple support and get a very peppy operator named Krissy to help me reset the little fucker. Finally I can read the menu, well I could if I was bilingual that is, yeah the damn thing reset to Fucking Chinese!

I asked my new BFF Krissy how the hell that could have happened and she replied "Heck if I know", not too encouraging when the so called professional can't explain that one. To rub salt in my wounds she adds "I have never in my 6 months at Apple ever encountered such a weird problem." Ok, maybe she's not an expert, but she has 6 months more experience than me with this technology, and I prefer the term quirky Krissy, telling me my Ipod is weird is giving me a complex. So the Ipod stayed fixed all of ten minutes and went back to wigging out immediately, but made a miraculous recovery the next morning and seems to be working fine since.

But getting back to the whole electrical vortex thing...I really think there is something to it. Greg said I should do an experiment to text it. Something about a light bulb, licking my lips, and a battery....(ok that sounded a bit freaky) I'm not Bill Nye but I think he's trying to pull a fast one on me. Of course part of me wants to believe him and get some scientific evidence to my hypothesis, on the otherhand, this is the same guy who convinced me to ask the cashier at the grocery store if I could sample groceries before I buy them. I wonder if Einstein struggled with such issues? Damn I just gave myself a shock, see what I mean now?

Bargin of the Day

Saw this advertisement today at the bottom of the page on yahoo sports......think someone has some wishful thinking lol.

New York Mets Playoff Tickets
For a limited time only all Mets Playoff Tickets are reduced.
www.NewYorkMets.TicketsNow.com

All I can say is a fool and his money are soon departed....yeah the smack talk is starting early.

WTF? Part Two

Barry Bonds in Drag.....ok that is just fundamentally wrong, nice ink Barry.

Who'd of Thunk

Let's see....... show your bitchy side one night, and shed a few tears the next and what do you get?.......The New Hampshire Primary evidently. Personally I didn't think she had a soft side...go figure.

WTF?

Can I get an Amen?

Ok, so I was in Walmart the other day….yeah I know that’s where I made my first mistake..but anyway, I am strolling through the junior department and that’s where I found what well, I don’t even know, cant even describe it…there are no words for this….well actually it speaks volumes really………..


And this is what it says……….
Hi, Mom, you know, I'm 13 years old now and I've decided that selling my pussy is the direction I'm leaning to take with my life since you obviously don't want me to be happy because you refuse to buy me a cell phone. Like, whatever! With the help of messages like this courtesy of America’s favorite retailer, I know the important things in life, like, cool clothes and cash, cash, cash. And, in the end, I gotta work the snatch to get it. Oh and there are some really cool clear stripper shoes in the shoe department too, I mean everyone is wearing them Mom.
Seriously what has raising a teenager girl come to when parent’s goals are to keep their daughters off the poles? I feel sorry for you Greg, be strong man, and keep the guns loaded!

Yes Revenge Can Be Sweet

Ran across this during my ritual Sunday night Post Secret habit, OK obsession, I admit it I am hooked on that site, I even got the book "A Lifetime of Secrets" for Christmas. Anyway laughed my ass off when I read this one..............

Red Neck Christmas

That's right parents you might want to cover the kiddies eyes when you drive past this lovely dipiction of Rudolph and one of his other reindeer friends being hung upside down from a tree and gutted.....what is it they say? Oh yeah... you can't fix stupid.

Conscia Mens Recti

I’ve said in my blog before that my Dad introduced me to this game I love called baseball when I was six years old. And I don’ t exaggerate when I say “l Love This Game”. I really do. But I am also old school, I feel in love with the game and a team, when there were genuine players that played because they loved the game. I know some of you don’t get it, but there is a difference …and if you are a baseball fan and you have never experienced it or witnessed that then you have missed out on something unique.

I grew up loving the game during a time when the players were accessible, when you could go to batting practice at the park and actually talk to the players, get autographs, write them letters and they actually hand wrote you a letter back. I remember winter autograph appearances where you didn’t have to pay to get your baseball signed, the players did it for free, imagine that today... When the field was filled with young players who paid their dues on the farm teams and earned their way to the big field. They made Detroit their home both during the summer and the off season. That’s what I mean about being old school.

I think, well I know baseball has changed since my induction to the game at the tender age of six. And I think the biggest thing is the lack on integrity of many players. Simply defined integrity is playing the game with moral uprightness and honesty. I think there is good evidence of the lack of said characteristics in any game, just read the newspaper or watch ESPN and examples of athletes lacking integrity and morals and how it affects their life on the field and in their personal lives.

Maybe I am naive, but I simply believe that if you have integrity as an athlete you will be able to walk securely, and in turn you won’t be the topic of scandals, rumors or gossip, or better yet named in a 400 page plus report by a certain ex-Senator. Athletes who decide to cut corners, gain an advantage, in essence cheat, yes I said CHEAT, will not only be discovered but will pay the ultimate price……loss of credibility and integrity. I mean in the end it’s all we’ve got….I strongly feel they are words that should hang over the locker of every professional baseball player.

For what seems like an eternity, we’ve had to hear about the stories of Bonds and his alleged steroid use, and honestly I am sick of hearing it. Not because I don’t care but because it’s like beating a dead horse. But now he has company in his House of Roids….I am actually surprised and relieved by the Mitchell Report. Surprised that there were only 80 names listed, and relieved that only one of my boy’s was accounted for , although I knew he’d show up.

But overall I feel sorry for these men who despite their deceitful efforts, gained nothing….because in the end their word, character, and integrity have been tainted along with all their record breaking feats. And according to this old school girl, a man’s word and integrity is one thing you can’t buy, is not easily repaired and sure as hell can not be injected.

The best we can hope for is some scar tissue and a vague memory of the pain.

(The Title is Latin, yes, I took latin, google it to see the translation)

Someone is Stepping On A Crack Somewhere

More like stomping on them... why? Because my back is killing me.So much that I had to go to the ER for a shot of morphine on Sunday. Which by the way that stuff provides for a mighty fine high. Now I know why people can get addicted to that shit. You certainly don't feel any pain that for sure.

However it also lovers my IQ about 60 points making me borderline retarded and totally unmotivated. Lucked out Monday and got a day off work because of a snow day and took Tuesday off to recover. So by Wednesday I was pretty much strung out on drugs just trying to make it through the school day with out falling asleep, rambling incoherently or drooling on myself...I for see an MRI in my near future...ugh

Update:
I went to the chiropractor Monday got an adjustment and felt a little better, took some more drugs, got another adjustment on Thursday and feel good as new. Some say that chiropractors are quacks, but right now, I think mine should win the Nobel Peace Prize...What? If Al Gore can win one so can my Chiropractor!

How NOT To Start Your Weekend

By getting a call from your Assistant Principal an hour into your weekend break telling you that one of your students who spend the day in the office was hauled out of school the last hour of the day in Handcuffs by the police.

And if that wasn't enough, that you need to set up a meeting with your team, the school psychologist, social worker, school liaison officer and parent for Monday Morning. Oy Veh
Somedays I hate my job.

Which is Funnier?

Getting decked by a fan or...............................................


Getting a nut job from your team mate and having it photographed and spread around the world by evil bloggers like myself............

My vote is the nut job of course

Happy Hanukkah

Happy First Night of Hanukkah

You Know It's Cold When...

You are sitting in your house wearing a hoodie sweatshirt and you pull the hood up over your head, I know just turn the heat up right? Well considering I am breaking the bank on all the christmas lights I have plugged into every wall socket, I can't exactly afford to crank up the heat.

We are getting the first real snow fall of the season tonight...just wish it would have come tomorrow night..god I need a snow day!

A Thought to Ponder....

admit it you chuckled just a little, or maybe you cringed..either way you reacted