Teach Your Children Well

On any given day, I hear some pretty interesting things as I roam the halls of the middle school where I teach. Some of the things I hear crack me up like one of my female students telling her friend that it’s hard work being “this” stupid.” Or another who shouted to the entire 8th grade wing that “everything’s good in my life now that I’m a lesbian” Alrighty then.

Mostly though, I hear a lot of disturbing stuff. Once as I was sitting at my desk during hall passing, I heard a girl scream, and I mean scream at the top of her lungs, to her friend in the hall, "I got LAID last night!" I felt like walking out there and offering her congratulations on her amazing accomplishment. God knows it is a challenge to find someone to sleep with you when you are a teenage girl with low self-esteem.

By far the most horrifying thing I have ever overheard was said by a girl that was no older than 13. I was running for my life out the door after the final bell…I mean leaving the building, and passed the mass of students waiting by the exit for their buses. This is a particularly perilous time to leave the building for various reasons, not the least of which is that you are likely to overhear students in their first moments of freedom after being held captive in school all day. They are loud. They are rude. And they are crude. Apparently, they are also whores.

So here’s what I heard on Wednesday when I left work: A few boys and one girl were standing together waiting for the bus. One of the boys was carrying a platter of cookies, which he probably made in his "Foods" class. The girl said "I'll give you a blow job for one of those cookies."

Now, you have to understand I have 900 plus kids in my building and I walk past probably every one of them on a weekly basis. I hear stuff that I have to let slide, swearing that would make a sailor blush, student’s dissing each other and teachers, arguments--even if it is my instinct is to turn around and beat the shit out of the offender. If I stopped every kid that didn’t adhere to school rules, I’d never teach a lesson. I didn’t exactly let this girl slide though, As I stopped dead in my tracks and shot her a death stare, this misguided girl realized she had offered a blow job for a plate of cookies in front of a teacher. I simply turned to her and said, "Could you please leave the trash talk for when you leave the building, I’m not interested in the services you are willing to give away in exchange for baked goods.”

When I got in my car, I could not help but think I should have said more. But what? What can I possibly say to a 13-year-old who is willing to offer a blow job for a cookie? The worst part was her reaction, or lack of one. She glanced at me with this coy look on her face, “Oh look I'm so ashamed that this teacher heard me being slutty. I'm so naughty aren't I boys?” I wanted to drag her by the hair into my car and tell her that she was making a fool out of herself, that at this rate she might as well put on the clear stripper shoes and practice her pole dancing skills.

On one hand, I find this story a bit amusing. On the other hand, I find it disturbing. If it happened in a movie that was a parody about how high school girls are turning into cheap whores with low self-esteem, I would find it hilarious. But it was not a movie. It happened in my school, with one of my students, and it was a real girl with obviously low self-esteem who, at the very least, thought it was appropriate to portray herself as a cheap whore.

*** Those of you coming to this post via the Homeschooling website should read my rebutal before you post a comment....
(Warning this is a long post so bear with me….this needs to be said) They say in the blogging world……………… That you’ve really not made it until you have your first heckler….well if that’s true I’ve made it a couple times over. You see yesterday I checked my stat counter on my blog and noticed it was going nuts. Tad bit strange because even on a good day I don’t get much more that 50-80 visitors in a given day. My count by midnight last night was over 350, ok it doesn’t take Einstein to figure out somethings up, so I pull up my stat counter account and notice a large amount of the hits were coming to the same entry….my “Teach Your Children Well” post.

So I click on one of the incoming links….it’s an article on a Home Schooling web page…and there was a link to my post in the article. Now to be completely honest the writer of the article was very pleasant when referring to my post…well actually this is exactly what she said:

Recently, my husband came across a blog entry by a middle-school teacher that was so shocking that he waited until our kids were out of the room before calling me over to read it. The blog entry [warning: obscene language] related a conversation this teacher overheard as she left school one afternoon. She passed a group of several boys and one girl (about 13) waiting for the bus. One of the boys had a plate of cookies. The teacher heard the girl say, "I'll give you a blow job for one of those cookies." (Pause for a moment to marvel at how the heck a 13-year-old girl even knows what a blow job is.)

My husband e-mailed the teacher and expressed sympathy for the toughness of her job. The woman e-mailed back a weary verbal shrug and said it was all in a day's work. Now I don’t have any gripes with the fact that this woman chose my post to promote her home schooling agenda, hell kudo’s to her…that’s just good persuasive writing skills at work, and I have to admit it’s a good example of at least one particular problem that middle school teachers face in public schools.

One thing I do have a problem with is the part where she said her husband emailed me and my response. I didn’t recall getting an email from her husband and I checked my email both in and out box back before the post date and ummmmm no you didn’t email me, and I didn’t respond with a weary verbal shrug. Now I am not calling the man a liar it is quite possible that he confused me with another person he emailed, so I’m letting it go.

But had I responded, I would certainly have stated that unfortunately it is sad that these behaviors occur, and would have given a hell of a lot more piece of my mind than a simple shrug of my shoulders, and I would have offered a solution to the problem. But moving on cuz there is soooooooo much more to this story than a fabricated email response. The big picture here was that they linked my post, comprehended it and treated me with respect, so I will in turn do the same.

Now of the over three hundred and fifty hits to this post from the homeschooling website (ummm no I am not linking back sorry no link love from me) I only got feedback from three readers. Well lets just see what my new fan club had to say about me, yes me not my post… let’s break it down….

Anonymous said... So that kind of "trash talk" was upsetting, but underneath your title, you note that you're a "little fucking ray of sunshine". Oh, I see here in the comments section, it says, "Go ahead Fuck with me I dare ya". So you can say "fuck" all day long, but this kind of language offends you? Hypocrite, much?

First off Mr/Mrs. Anonymous, I don’t go around saying fuck all day long. And I never said I was offended by the word Fuck….obviously I use it quite a bit ! What I was horrified by was the fact that she was offering to suck a guys cock for a cookie, and if you had read and comprehended both the post on the homeschool website and my post you would have gotten that.

No I am not a Hypocrite, just because I use the word FUCK along with many other offensive words on my personal blog, which by the way no one forced you to read and comment on, does not mean that I don’t know when and where it is appropriate. Hypocrite I don’t think so.

Onto new fan Number 2: “You're blog is a perfect example of adults who should be an example to teens, and are not. Your blog is ridden with profanity, toothbrushes with jokes on ''ORAL'' ''wankers'' as commenters, and ''Go ahead and FK with me, I dare you'' is the final words of wisdom I see from you.

A practicing Catholic at confession: ''Honestly I think the triple combination of premarital sex, the use of birth control and the mention of ''double penetration'' was too much for him, go figure. Incidentally, I embellished the story just a little, I admit I am evil. I wanted to see (or should I say hear) him squirm.'' Charming confession. Read your conversation to a Priest, and then write on how teens are vulgar, and speak like truck drivers! Rather hypocritical. Thank God you don’t teach my child.”

First of all as a teacher, I am not required to be your child’s role model 24/7. I am their authority figure during school hours only and guess what….It is YOUR responsibility to take care of your child outside of school. What I do during my off hours and what I say on my personal blog is my business not yours! You were warned before even clicking through to my site that it contained obscene language…YOU chose to precede. You could have looked away or better yet looked past the two offensive words you came across and looked at the big picture, the message in the post……however you chose to attack me on a personal level. Real intelligent move, and such a good example for your children, does your curriculum include lessons on sticking your head up your ass?

The fact that you then choose to root around my blog to find a post in which to rip me again just further proves your ignorance. My confession post has nothing to do with my job as an educator. And if you had half a brain you’d have realized it was for comic relief…..Charming confession, yes, honest, yes, hypocritical no, rather I believe your judgmental attitude and comments just prove how shallow you are.

Once again I never said I was offended by obscene language…..obviously you and commenter number one have comprehension problems. As for your final comment to me ---“Thank God you don’t teach my children” for that one comment you left, I have had hundreds of parents tell me “Thank God you are my child’s teacher” and that is more powerful than any trolls who could leave me cowardly anonymous comments on my blog.

Been There Done That

I was shopping one day in Kohls with my daughter, when we turned the corner heading to the little sluts in training department....I mean the little girls clothing department…that’s when I smelled it. That smell that instantly transported me back to my youth, to my glory days. Well they were far from glory days but it did remind me of a lot of my teenage years. Yes that unmistakable smell of jellies, seems those odoriferous petroleum smelling soft jellyfish like sandals that you could smell coming a mile away are making a comeback.

Now I wasn’t born in the eighties but I did graduate from being a kid to becoming an adult during that decade, well in theory I did. But it got me reminiscing about that time and the things we all thought were so cool as teenagers and young adults.


Sadly I can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off or when he was simply talented and not a freak of nature.
Seeing every brat pack movie, and wanting to desperately be like Molly Ringwald’s character in the Breakfast Club, but more resembling the Ally Sheedy’s emo character deep down.

But the clothes…..god I loved the clothes, what the hell was I thinking that this shit resembled anything but cool. And no Greg I didn’t wear the Madonna wanna be slut clothes like you think, (at least not while I was in the company of my mother) but I have to admit I was a fashion diva, at least I thought so.

Izod shirts with the little green alligators worn with the collar up, does anyone even wear idoz shirts any more?

A banana clip in my hair with one of those slap on wrist bands to match my outfit, oh yeah I was stylish. Don’t forget to roll up the bottoms of your splatter painted jeans, and throw on a pair of white ankle socks with your jellies, or your feet would smell from here to eternity by the end of the day.

Yes the eighty’s were good to Kat, seems like a lifetime ago. It was the decade with some good memories, seeing my 84’ Tigers win the World Series in Game 5 with my Dad was priceless. Growing into my body and who I wanted to become in life. Choosing a major in college, and going on to not regret that decision to become a teacher one day in my adult life. Yeah good times…. However, no matter how much those jellies look tempting to me I won’t be caught dead in them. I am happy having my memories, good and bad of my youth and not anxious to relive them. No going Back to the Future for this girl, I’m living large in the present.

Counting Down

I have exactly 21 days left of school this year, hell where did the time go. As much as I need the break I have to admit that I am really going to miss my students this year.

They are such a quirky bunch of kids, and well I just love them to death. They are the first group to really "get my humor" and well I don't know.... as much as they annony the hell out of me at times and insist on telling me every little off the wall thought that comes into their head, I will miss them.

So as the end of the school year approaches, I am already looking forward to next year, thinking about how I will do things differently, what lesson plans I want to try out, getting my supply list ready for the fall.

But this year is going to be a little bitter sweet for me, and I just might be a little flaclempt when the final bell rings on the last day of school and they trample over me leaving, to run like hell to the busses. Run Forest Run, ok that was mean, but well it was funny so sue me.

Yeah it's gonna be a little emotional, but I am sure I will get over it that first morning I don't have to hit the alarm button at 5 a.m.

How Do You?

How do you show someone you completely understand them, and their flaws and love them all the same? How do you show someone that you see their worth even if they don't?

How in the world do you show them just how much their existence in your life and those closest to them is really vital? How do you heal a life long of scars that say otherwise?

How do you convince them that just because everyone else gave up on them doesn't mean you will..no matter how many times they've heard that?

How do you open their eyes and accept maybe this time fate dealt them a different hand? How do you hold them so close as to give them strength without smothering them?

Talking to the voices in my head

Can you tell I've been to therapy???? Self Reflection

“Deep down even the most hardened criminal is starving for the same thing that motivates the innocent baby: Love and acceptance"

“The only thing that will make you happy is being happy with who you are, and not who people think you are."

“As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you”

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.

“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different."


“Tears are words the heart can't express"

If that's what I am...what are you?

Ok kiddies some more trash talk from the classroom.....I know how you all love to hear about my day with the juvenile delinquents and future ditch diggers so here goes...

So part of my day is spent in the general education classroom where I support my kids..it's more like well paid babysitting, well not really. But I do spend a large amount of time simply dealing with behaviors and telling them to not act like a bunch of tards.

Anyway...I am helping one of my lower functioning kids and he asks me how to spell a word, I tell him it's right on the page of the book and to copy it. That's when the smart assed kid (a gen-ed-er, not one of my students) pipes up and says "yeah it's right in the book", you know a way of getting a dig in that well my student isn't quite as smart as him.

Now normally I would just shrug this off but this kid is a complete freak with a fucknut for a mother. He's a total Mommy's boy, dresses like he's a 4 year old with his matching little tracksuits and his little fidgety toys that he plays with when he's "stressed out". Seriously this kid is completely twisted and I predict one of following scenarios: A: one day he's going to get so fed up with his controlling mother that he's going to go all Lizzie Borden on her in her sleep hacking her into a million little pieces and spreading her remains all over the state or B: he's going to become one of those freaky serial killers like that guy from the Silence of the Lambs....I can just hear him now "It put's the lotion in the basket, or else it gets the hose. Either way it doesn't bode well for society.

Of course my student immediately told him to mind his own business, and I piped up that I agreed that he needed to take care of himself. That's when this shithead mumbles "jerk" under his breath.

Ok people this is the shit I live for...honestly given his history I was a bit insulted. I mean come on...this kid called the lunch lady a "Fucking Bitch" just last week. Is that the best you got you little shit? Seriously what do I have to do to get a legitimate diss, donn a hairnet and spoon out Tatar tots onto your lunch tray you little prick?

Needless to say the little pinhead got written up for calling me a jerk, and I am sure that Mommy Dearest will be requesting a meeting to discuss how I am demeaning her son and picking on him....I'd just love to tell her the only picking going on is her son who has his finger up his nose daily and wipes it on his cool track suit.
And they say my kids swim in the shallow end of the gene pool, at least their mother's haven't turned them in the sniveling little shit your son has become.

What it's like

Last Sunday was a really nice day outside, a rarity here in March. So I decided to run to the ATM grab some cash and hit the carwash. In order to get to the bank I had to go through a rather busy intersection. That’s where I saw a sight that has become more frequent in these trying economic times. Standing there in silence with a sign that read “will work for food for my family, need food, formula and diapers.


Of course I didn’t hit the bank yet, and didn’t have a nickel to my name, so all I could do is give him an empathic glance. Seeing him standing on that corner humbled me. See I’ve been bitching about how I may have to teach a different grade next year due to budget cuts and too many parents running like hell from this state and dragging their kids along with them.


I’ve been so caught up in my own pity party and have forgotten that I should be grateful even to have a job in this economy. Seeing this husband, and father standing on the corner humbly reminded me to count my blessings.


So I zipped over to the bank took out some bills with the intention of slipping him

a few bucks. But as I made my way back he was already gone. I looked up and down the intersection but there was no sign of him.


Maybe someone picked him up to do some work, or maybe he just gave up and went home. I guess I’ll never know for sure. But I have wondered in the days that have followed if he feels defeated, if he and his wife went to bed hungry so that the kids could eat. If the baby woke up hungry in the middle of the night, and if its cries were quieted with a warm bottle or if its tiny stomach went without. Sometimes I wonder if it's a test of my level of compassion for my fellow man....Yeah I’m definitely counting my blessings more.

life it's a bitch of a lesson

It’s funny how your perspective can change in the course of nearly a dozen months. The little shit that wore you down months ago seems so trivial in hindsight now. Separation from the situation tends to promote clarity. As you stand back and examine your role in the demise of a friendship, you realize your part in its death can not be fully expunged. So now a year later…. life hands them a death sentence, something you’d never wish on your own worst enemy.


And you think about all the time the both of you wasted…time that can’t be given back, wasted in a pissing match that could never be won by either of you. I have always said there is not much I regret in life…..have always lived with my decisions and chalked them up to life’s little lessons. But this is different, I can’t just wash my hands of it….. and I am responsible for my actions. I think I grew up a little bit this past year, it’s a bitch of a lesson....one I hope no one else has to learn.


It will be two weeks ago on Friday that I lost a friend, to the ravishment of cancer, too young to die, to young to leave behind a daughter and son, and the love of his life Tina. He will be sorely missed by them and myself. Just seems unreal that I won't be trading baseball smack talk about his Royals and "my girls" as he used to refer to my Tigers.


But as time has gone on, I am trying to look at the loss of this friend the way he viewed his pending death. He had made his peace, with his maker and everyone he felt he needed to, and to not be at peace with that myself would be hypercritical. So I'm trying to look beyond the grief of a life cut short and choosing to take some advice from a nutty professor...... There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." (Albert Einstien)…...............I am choosing the everything is a miracle option. Rest in Peace Rodney, Aka Forrest

You have got to be kidding me!

Groundhogs Day, I know you all look forward to it with nail biting excitement right? We are all aware of “Punxsutawney Phil” especially after Bill Murray’s completely hysterical film.

But I guess old Phil has some competition …"Gen. Beauregard Lee" in Georgia, "Sir Walter Wally" in North Carolina, "Staten Island Chuck" in New York, and of course, my favorite, the Howell Conference and Nature Center's "Woody." Ok yes immature but right up my alley, would you expect anything less.

In case you are not familiar with the protocol, it is said that if Phil see his shadow and runs away we ill have six more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t get spooked and sticks around then spring is on the way.

So here’s my gripe: Phil actually said spring is on the way. What are you fucking kidding me Phil? It’s only been like single digits below zero in my neck of the woods for the past three days! Maybe it was so cold that Phil actually became frozen and was trying his best to run away but hypothermia and frostbite set in too quickly…..more likely.

Well I guess that’s what we get for putting our faith in a rodent!

What's the Big Deal?

So Michael Phelps was caught on film taking a hit off a bong at a friend's party.My reaction? Indifference. Does it shock me? NO.. ...Do I care? Not really. I've long thought that "athletes" should not be required to be role models, that's the parent's job.

I guess I'm chalking it up to "who cares really." It's not like he was "toking" up before race or anything. He abided by the rules of the Olympic competition, and this happened in his private life, out of the pool. Additionally, what he did was nothing in comparision with what Marion Jones did on the track. This incident takes nothing away from his accomplishments in my book. I do have to say something about it though. Smoking the weed wasn't the dumbest thing you did, having it caught on film, not too smart.

But it does make me wonder if the high from the bong hit happened to cure that annoying lisp of his. That boy is in need of some serious speech therapy..so take some advice Michael step away from the bong when there is even a remote possibility of a camera being present, and if you are able to get any new endorsement deals, stick to the print ads cuz your articulation skills suck.

Because That's What They Are....

As we enter the season best known for promulgating many an idealistic nicety including, but not limited to "peace on earth" and "goodwill" and "joy" and whatnot, I am somehow not at all surprised to learn that we have found a way to continue to ruin everything -- even the holiday season -- by insisting on political correctness to a degree of complete insanity. I am referring to the continuing slew of recent articles in local and national newspapers, concerning, legal battles over the word "Christmas".

Look, I call mid-Dec to early January the "holiday season" not because I'd be offended if specified Christmas or Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or the month of Bodhi, but because I recognize that different people do different things this time of year. I'm OK with that. I grew up knowing and celebrating this way. I like it. And even now, as a Christian…Yes I know that's a vile word to some of you, huh? Well, to pre-empt the inevitable emails about this confession, I'd like to make it clear that I'm of the "golden rule" variety, and am not big on the "fire-and-brimstone" mentality, so take it easy, OK?. I observe more than one religion's celebration during this season with my diverse multitude of friends and family. I have decorated an admittedly pagan Christmas tree and sung carols about a baby born of a virgin in a manager and have lit the Menorah, too. Somehow I seem to navigate this apparent conflict of interest rather smoothly and with no objections from my conscience.

Granted, I'm in the majority 76.5 percent of Americans who claim to be Christian, which probably gives me a slanted perspective, as someone else's savior isn't being sung about in every mall I go to. I'll give you that. But really, that's not the issue here.

What I'm not cool with are people fighting major legal battles involving everyone from minimum-wage workers to worldwide corporations over some semantic bullshit like what we call those trees we stand in our living rooms and town squares and decorate with lights and balls and garlands to announce the arrival of the *whatever* season.

I am even more not OK with credible news sources wasting ink and airtime on this crap. I'm not ignorant about the news business, and as each day goes by I am more and more disheartened by the steaming piles of bullshit our journalists report on. TV is the WORST. Don't even get me started, because then we have to discuss why they're reporting it…which is a complex, painful, other topic…. which is because it's newsworthy. You might object, but according to most standards, "newsworthy" it is: it's gotten lots of folks riled up and it's actually happening and there's lots of money and corporations and organizations involved and it's relevant to the season.

I saw a commentary that Ben Stein did several years back on the CBS Sunday Morning Show and it pretty much sums up my feelings on this whole thing… He may appear to be completely dull on the surface but the man comes up with some gold nuggets…
“I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees.. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a crèche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.”

Thank you Mr. Stein for those words of wisdom …and Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah….to the rest of you that find it offensive…bite me.

WTF

Although I love my job most days, some days I get so annoyed with these kids. So I came into work this morning to find that one of my students decided to take the phonic cards that I keep in a pocket chart on my chalkboard, and spell out the lovely word “FUCK”.

Isn’t that sweet you can spell the word fuck…… you know sometimes I just want to go off on these kids. And honestly if I could have had one wish today it would have been to be able to say whatever I wanted to them without any professional repercussions. Now if I lived in a perfect world and was granted that little wish this is what I would have said in response to their little antics.

Nice….I see you can spell the word fuck…but let’s take this teachable moment one step further and learn how to use it correctly in a sentence you little fuckheads! Oh see, I just used a derivative of the word fuck to describe you little shits.

Ok take out a piece of paper and a pencil butheads and prepare to learn something.. let me break this down for you punks….First of all the word “Fuck” can fall into several grammatical categories…in other words it’s versatile and has many meanings.

It can be used as a transitive verb such as “Jimmy fucked Janie”, and also as an intransitive verb as in “Jimmy and Jane fucked”. It can also be used in the form of an active verb “Tommy fucked Mary” or a passive verb…. “Tommy got fucked over by Mary”
Ok moving onto some more advanced uses of the word “fuck”, let’s try using it as an adverb, “You kids talk to fucking much in class” or as an adjective “Anderson Cooper is a fucking hottie”…oops sorry It’s just hard for me not to think of the word fuck without him popping up in my mind….Ok back on task….

So I can tell by the blank looks on your faces that this lesson is going over your fucking heads so let’s water it down a bit for you Einsteins and give you some real world examples that you can use without having to diagram sentences to get the meaning.

For example the next time you are confused about a question on one of your assignments instead of raising your hand to ask for help simply blurt out “I don’t fucking get what this question is asking.”

Or how about when I ask you to stop talking and get to work you could show your refusal by stating ….."Oh Fuck Off", that’d be a sweet use of the word.
Then when I tell you stop using foul language in the classroom you respond with a statement of denial “I didn’t fucking do it” I respond I am not deaf, I heard you, and you express your apathy by replying “Who gives a fuck”. That’s when I say you’ll give a fuck when you are sitting in front of the fucking principal with a fucking discipline in your hand….you then resign to the fact that your ass is busted and respond “oh Fuck it” and on your way out the door to the office whine in despair, “Once again I am Fucked over by the Man” I simply grin and say, “That’s what you get for daring to fucking swear in my fucking classroom you fucktard.”

Or you all could just quit fucking spelling the word “FUCK” on my board and sit in your fucking seats and fucking humor me and fucking perpetuate the illusion that I am actually fucking teaching you something….and that you are actually willingly learning something….that would be absofuckinglutely wonderful.

Man I am gonna miss ya Georgie boy...well at least making fun of ya

So I am watching the news today and of course dubya was in the spotlight as I am sure you’ve all seen with his whole shoe flinging incident in Iraq. The fact that he had shoes thrown at him was not so disturbing to me, after all it is considered on of the highest form of insult in that country, so that makes sense I guess. No, what disturbed me that the guy was able to chuck not one, but two shoes at him before he was tackled, and not by the secret service but by other Iraqi’s in the room.

I mean a good three seconds go by from the initial flinging of one shoe to the final fling of that last, and then another three seconds before the Secret Service come strolling through the door behind him….I am thinking the past eight years with old George has shaved a few points off their IQ. It doesn’t give me confidence in their ability to protect our next president.

Oh and hell I think Dombrowski needs to make a call…… that reporter had some heat on those shoes and his aim was pretty good, we can use another consistent righthander on the mound in the ghetto.

I wait

It always takes my breath away, hitting me without warning. The conversation takes a curve, you have a silent epiphany. The next thing I know I’m blindsided and fighting to defend myself, my actions, none of which seem to appease…..and your voice changes.

I am painfully aware that once this tone emerges there’s no going back. No amount of explaining, debating, or pleading will negate its presence. It hangs there in the air like a thick fog slowly choking the communication between us. It’s a point of no return and the best we can do is to call it a night and wait. Wait till this fog lifts and our vision clears. And so I wait……….wait…for your voice to change.

Angels, Whores and FuckNuts

I've noticed that the majority of men seem to think that women fall into one of three categories...Angels aka girl of their dreams, whores, and fucknuts. I've gotta agree that most woman fall into at least one of he categories, if not possibly more. I always thought this was presumptuous of men to actually think this, but from my observations of women it seems to be an accurate depiction.

The worst offenders are the woman who fall into the last two categories, which only adds to this seemingly stereotypical image of us chicks. The women who are considered whores can't seem to figure out why no man will "ultimately love" them when they can't seem to love themselves enough to not spread their legs for any jack off that gives them the slightest bit of attention or infection.

Then there are the fucknuts, You know the ones that are talking about getting married after 2 dates, have a lifetime subscription to Brides Magazine and have picked out their dress and put it on layawy by the 4th date. They are the ones that follow you around town, just happen to show up at the same bar as you and your buds are hanging at and is most likely the one who poured sugar in your gas tank and carved that term of endearment "cocksucker" into the side of your car.

Let's face it....men want someone who will put up with them scratching their nads and hogging the remote and the occasional blowjob on their birthday...they want a lady on the street and a freak in the bed. Us women want to be adored and doted on and of course to be emotionally nurtured...it's a wonder anyone ever hooks up.

Gangsta Thanks

I have a confession to make, I have been thinking lately about hanging up the whole blogging thing. I just have been so busy with work and just didn't seem to have the time or anything to say. I go through these phases occasionally. But just as I was considering at the least taking a break .....I got a shot in the arm when I found this.....

Yep that's me listed as the number one top personal blog on the fuel my blog website..who know's how long it will be there, or if it will ever rank up there again but it gave me motivation to keep blogging. So to all my faithful readers and my new readers that fueled me to the top "thanks a bunch" , it means a lot to me.
So gangsta Thanks!

Parent Teacher Conferences...the Prequel

Of the eighteen students I have I only had 5 of my actual students parents showed up for conferences, which is pretty pathetic if you think about it….but for those parents who couldn’t be bothered to meet with me….you do have the report card and its comments to fall back on. And just in case you need some help deciphering those comment codes us teachers use , Let me do a layman’s translation for ya.


Student is not working to their potential
Basically this means your child sets low personal standards for themselves and consistently fails to achieve them. There’s nothing worse than a kid with an IQ over 80 who consistently scores lower on assignments than my kids that are borderline Cognitively Impaired, how retarded is that?


Student is inattentive in class
In other words Johnny works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap. But as long as I keep waving shiny objects in front of him he’s good to go. Note to self I need some more tin foil.

Student is talkative in class
Look your kid has verbal diarrhea, she couldn’t shut her pie hole if her life depended on it. She thinks nothing of carrying on a conversation while sitting 6 inches from me and when asked to shut her trap has the nerve to tell me “just a minute I am not finished”. I’m seriously considering a muzzle for her.

Working to capacity
I know this will sound heartless but this is the polite way of saying your kid is just a big sack of stupid. In other words the wheels are turning but the hamster died the first day of kindergarten. I hate to say it, but when he drank from the fountain of knowledge….he only gargled, and on top of that he spit out what little he took in.

Lacks effective study habits:
Instead of completing study guides for upcoming tests he draws inappropriate symbols such as swastikas and the conferderate flag, oh and don’t forget the other terms of endearment such as kike, gook, beaner and his all time fav my niggar….yeah it’s amazing that he can’t spell his way out of a paper bag but sure as hell can spell all those words right.

And last but not least….
Student takes on a leadership role….yeah more like his friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

***Don't leave me hate mail homeschoolers, and PTA Leaders, if you can't realize this was tongue in cheek then you need to take the stick outta your ass and watch some Cheech and Chong movies while smoking a fattie.

But he's acts so different at home.....

Ahhhh that time of the year I so look forward too, parent teacher conferences…Not! It’s not that I don’t like meeting with parents I do, but having to deal with these entire yahoo’s one after another is simply exhausting.

Now I should have known that this year’s meetings were going to be memorable when my first customer of the day was Jimmy Whinercroft’s mom. You know that little angel that told me I needed to take my anti-bitch meds earlier this year. Anyway one of my main issues I wanted to bring up with her was the possibility of her giving him his meds at home before coming to school, something that would dramatically help him to focus and not disrupt the first thirty minutes of my first hour everyday. Strike one for Kat…I was told in no certain terms “Yeah, like I am going to get my ass out of bed, listen to him whine while I try to get him to swallow a pill at 6 am in the morning only to have it wear off by 6 pm…are you crazy?, I need him to be medicated till at least 8 pm, he’s totally out of control otherwise.” Yeah I am painfully aware of that….thanks for the support Mom of the Year.

Then there was the parent who blew their nose right after sitting down to talk to me…it’s bad enough I had to listen to them blow their chunks into a handkerchief and then stuff that squishy mess back into their pocket…but they had some green remnants hanging out of their right nostril during the entire meeting. No amount hinting to that elusive lougie dangling from their overgrown nose hairs helped, and of course I couldn’t take my eyes off that thing. It was like a train wreck I couldn’t look away…I was just obsessed with it, thinking if they licked their lips it was definitely going to get sucked into their mouth at which point I think I would have ralphed right there. Needless to say I didn’t shake their hand when they left and immediately wiped down the table with hand sanitizer.

Let’s me just say this, single Dad’s….don’t start your parent teacher conference off with little gems like this…“Wow, my son wasn’t lying…you are schwing material” Ok what am I supposed to say to that, other than to make a mental note that I need to do a lesson on Sexual Harassment and then send the lesson plans home for Dad too. I guess it could have been worse…this is the same kid I overheard behind my back in the hall saying to some unknown lucky recipient…. “dang I’d love to tap that ass!” Please god I hope he wasn’t talking about me.

Just as I got my thoughts together another parent plopped herself down at the table in front of me, ahh a normal parent, finally…. well sort of. Everything was going fine till her infant son began to get fussy. She made a statement about it being near his feeding time, which I took as a hint to wrap up the conference, but nooooo she just whips out her breast right there and starts breast feeding him. Now I don’t have a problem normally with breast feeding in public but she made no effort to even be discrete. Basically it was Mammary Madness, and to make matters worse the kid had the suction action of a Dyson. All that slurping, I could barely think, and the fact that I saw one of my parents nips…yeah that image is gonna be burned in my brain for a long time….

But the parent that took the cake was the one who claimed I never help her child in class, HELLO! Sped Teacher here! That’s my specialty…Individualized Education! At this point I am completely exhausted and well not ready to put up with any more of this woman’s bullshit that she’s been giving me all year.

So I patiently listen to her complete nonsense and decided to use some reverse psychology on her, and simply tell her that everything her son says about me is completely true…yep the reason your son is failing every class he is enrolled in is because every time he asks me for help I ignore him. I actually even make it point to ask every other student in the class if they need help and completely disregard his needs. I’ve never worked with him in a small group or even given him one on one instruction when he didn’t grasp the concept the first, second or third time. I’ve never pulled him aside and informed him that he is failing miserably and asked him what I can do to help. Nope the truth is when I see his hand go up I look right past him as if he is invisible.

Needless to say when she picked her jaw up off the table, I told her that I was being sarcastic…and the complete opposite was true. Yeah probably not the best move but I know I wouldn’t get so much as a slap on the wrist from administration for doing it since the principal basically told me I was on my own when dealing with this loon for a parent because she refuses to even meet with her anymore. I have to admit it felt good setting her straight. Every year I say there is no way last years conferences could possibly be out done, but every year I am proven wrong. Oh and yeah as much bitching as I do….I really do like my job.

You said What?? Yeah who fucking cares

Doug over at Putting the F Back in You, sent me an email the other day, seems he was checking his stat counter key word analysis and found this little gem...

Search Term
4 66.67% doug goff.com
1 16.67% kat822 is a bitch
1 16.67% douggoff.com

But what was even more entertaining is what I found when I actually googled
Kat822 is a bitch.....

Sweet my web nemesis is living up to her reputation

So I decided to look at my key word analysis and came up with some interesting stuff of my own ....
1 0.99% dad.fuck.litter.boy ---whoooooooh what the hellz

1 0.99% mark stebbins ferndale blog ----what the fuck this is my blog wankers, look at me damn it not mark stebbins!

1 0.99% have you ever seen your roommate jerk off? --- ok why do I get these search results? I've never blogged about anything remotely near that, oh wait there is that one post ..damn it.

1 0.99% dog shit neighbors --- glad to see I am not the only one with this problem

1 0.99% thongs ride-up-in-the-crack --- seriously is this an issue people, it's a thong

Ok people share your weird key word analysis

Remind me why I come here everyday? Oh yeah I love my job

According to a University of Chicago study, on "Job Satisfaction in the United States," my job ranks at number 5 out of the top ten satisfying jobs in the country.

5. Special education teachers
Job Description: Teach school subjects to educationally and physically handicapped students.
Very happy: 52.6%Median salary (preschool, kindergarten or elementary school): $41,344Median salary (secondary school): $43,060

Actually I think I'd say that overall I am more than fifty percent happy with my job...but the one thing I hate about it is Parent Teacher Conferences...which are tonight...well at least it will provide for some great blog fodder, it always does. And it will give Doug some student and parent trashing that he always looks forward to. So stay tuned for some... sure to be hilarious Parent Teacher Stories from Hell. I know you are just sitting on pins and needles..yeah right.