Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Because That's What They Are....

As we enter the season best known for promulgating many an idealistic nicety including, but not limited to "peace on earth" and "goodwill" and "joy" and whatnot, I am somehow not at all surprised to learn that we have found a way to continue to ruin everything -- even the holiday season -- by insisting on political correctness to a degree of complete insanity. I am referring to the continuing slew of recent articles in local and national newspapers, concerning, legal battles over the word "Christmas".

Look, I call mid-Dec to early January the "holiday season" not because I'd be offended if specified Christmas or Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or the month of Bodhi, but because I recognize that different people do different things this time of year. I'm OK with that. I grew up knowing and celebrating this way. I like it. And even now, as a Christian…Yes I know that's a vile word to some of you, huh? Well, to pre-empt the inevitable emails about this confession, I'd like to make it clear that I'm of the "golden rule" variety, and am not big on the "fire-and-brimstone" mentality, so take it easy, OK?. I observe more than one religion's celebration during this season with my diverse multitude of friends and family. I have decorated an admittedly pagan Christmas tree and sung carols about a baby born of a virgin in a manager and have lit the Menorah, too. Somehow I seem to navigate this apparent conflict of interest rather smoothly and with no objections from my conscience.

Granted, I'm in the majority 76.5 percent of Americans who claim to be Christian, which probably gives me a slanted perspective, as someone else's savior isn't being sung about in every mall I go to. I'll give you that. But really, that's not the issue here.

What I'm not cool with are people fighting major legal battles involving everyone from minimum-wage workers to worldwide corporations over some semantic bullshit like what we call those trees we stand in our living rooms and town squares and decorate with lights and balls and garlands to announce the arrival of the *whatever* season.

I am even more not OK with credible news sources wasting ink and airtime on this crap. I'm not ignorant about the news business, and as each day goes by I am more and more disheartened by the steaming piles of bullshit our journalists report on. TV is the WORST. Don't even get me started, because then we have to discuss why they're reporting it…which is a complex, painful, other topic…. which is because it's newsworthy. You might object, but according to most standards, "newsworthy" it is: it's gotten lots of folks riled up and it's actually happening and there's lots of money and corporations and organizations involved and it's relevant to the season.

I saw a commentary that Ben Stein did several years back on the CBS Sunday Morning Show and it pretty much sums up my feelings on this whole thing… He may appear to be completely dull on the surface but the man comes up with some gold nuggets…
“I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees.. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a crèche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.”

Thank you Mr. Stein for those words of wisdom …and Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah….to the rest of you that find it offensive…bite me.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Although I love my job most days, some days I get so annoyed with these kids. So I came into work this morning to find that one of my students decided to take the phonic cards that I keep in a pocket chart on my chalkboard, and spell out the lovely word “FUCK”.

Isn’t that sweet you can spell the word fuck…… you know sometimes I just want to go off on these kids. And honestly if I could have had one wish today it would have been to be able to say whatever I wanted to them without any professional repercussions. Now if I lived in a perfect world and was granted that little wish this is what I would have said in response to their little antics.

Nice….I see you can spell the word fuck…but let’s take this teachable moment one step further and learn how to use it correctly in a sentence you little fuckheads! Oh see, I just used a derivative of the word fuck to describe you little shits.

Ok take out a piece of paper and a pencil butheads and prepare to learn something.. let me break this down for you punks….First of all the word “Fuck” can fall into several grammatical categories…in other words it’s versatile and has many meanings.

It can be used as a transitive verb such as “Jimmy fucked Janie”, and also as an intransitive verb as in “Jimmy and Jane fucked”. It can also be used in the form of an active verb “Tommy fucked Mary” or a passive verb…. “Tommy got fucked over by Mary”
Ok moving onto some more advanced uses of the word “fuck”, let’s try using it as an adverb, “You kids talk to fucking much in class” or as an adjective “Anderson Cooper is a fucking hottie”…oops sorry It’s just hard for me not to think of the word fuck without him popping up in my mind….Ok back on task….

So I can tell by the blank looks on your faces that this lesson is going over your fucking heads so let’s water it down a bit for you Einsteins and give you some real world examples that you can use without having to diagram sentences to get the meaning.

For example the next time you are confused about a question on one of your assignments instead of raising your hand to ask for help simply blurt out “I don’t fucking get what this question is asking.”

Or how about when I ask you to stop talking and get to work you could show your refusal by stating ….."Oh Fuck Off", that’d be a sweet use of the word.
Then when I tell you stop using foul language in the classroom you respond with a statement of denial “I didn’t fucking do it” I respond I am not deaf, I heard you, and you express your apathy by replying “Who gives a fuck”. That’s when I say you’ll give a fuck when you are sitting in front of the fucking principal with a fucking discipline in your hand….you then resign to the fact that your ass is busted and respond “oh Fuck it” and on your way out the door to the office whine in despair, “Once again I am Fucked over by the Man” I simply grin and say, “That’s what you get for daring to fucking swear in my fucking classroom you fucktard.”

Or you all could just quit fucking spelling the word “FUCK” on my board and sit in your fucking seats and fucking humor me and fucking perpetuate the illusion that I am actually fucking teaching you something….and that you are actually willingly learning something….that would be absofuckinglutely wonderful.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Man I am gonna miss ya Georgie boy...well at least making fun of ya

So I am watching the news today and of course dubya was in the spotlight as I am sure you’ve all seen with his whole shoe flinging incident in Iraq. The fact that he had shoes thrown at him was not so disturbing to me, after all it is considered on of the highest form of insult in that country, so that makes sense I guess. No, what disturbed me that the guy was able to chuck not one, but two shoes at him before he was tackled, and not by the secret service but by other Iraqi’s in the room.

I mean a good three seconds go by from the initial flinging of one shoe to the final fling of that last, and then another three seconds before the Secret Service come strolling through the door behind him….I am thinking the past eight years with old George has shaved a few points off their IQ. It doesn’t give me confidence in their ability to protect our next president.

Oh and hell I think Dombrowski needs to make a call…… that reporter had some heat on those shoes and his aim was pretty good, we can use another consistent righthander on the mound in the ghetto.