Tuesday, December 23, 2008
As we enter the season best known for promulgating many an idealistic nicety including, but not limited to "peace on earth" and "goodwill" and "joy" and whatnot, I am somehow not at all surprised to learn that we have found a way to continue to ruin everything -- even the holiday season -- by insisting on political correctness to a degree of complete insanity. I am referring to the continuing slew of recent articles in local and national newspapers, concerning, legal battles over the word "Christmas".
Look, I call mid-Dec to early January the "holiday season" not because I'd be offended if specified Christmas or Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or the month of Bodhi, but because I recognize that different people do different things this time of year. I'm OK with that. I grew up knowing and celebrating this way. I like it. And even now, as a Christian…Yes I know that's a vile word to some of you, huh? Well, to pre-empt the inevitable emails about this confession, I'd like to make it clear that I'm of the "golden rule" variety, and am not big on the "fire-and-brimstone" mentality, so take it easy, OK?. I observe more than one religion's celebration during this season with my diverse multitude of friends and family. I have decorated an admittedly pagan Christmas tree and sung carols about a baby born of a virgin in a manager and have lit the Menorah, too. Somehow I seem to navigate this apparent conflict of interest rather smoothly and with no objections from my conscience.
Granted, I'm in the majority 76.5 percent of Americans who claim to be Christian, which probably gives me a slanted perspective, as someone else's savior isn't being sung about in every mall I go to. I'll give you that. But really, that's not the issue here.
What I'm not cool with are people fighting major legal battles involving everyone from minimum-wage workers to worldwide corporations over some semantic bullshit like what we call those trees we stand in our living rooms and town squares and decorate with lights and balls and garlands to announce the arrival of the *whatever* season.
I am even more not OK with credible news sources wasting ink and airtime on this crap. I'm not ignorant about the news business, and as each day goes by I am more and more disheartened by the steaming piles of bullshit our journalists report on. TV is the WORST. Don't even get me started, because then we have to discuss why they're reporting it…which is a complex, painful, other topic…. which is because it's newsworthy. You might object, but according to most standards, "newsworthy" it is: it's gotten lots of folks riled up and it's actually happening and there's lots of money and corporations and organizations involved and it's relevant to the season.
I saw a commentary that Ben Stein did several years back on the CBS Sunday Morning Show and it pretty much sums up my feelings on this whole thing… He may appear to be completely dull on the surface but the man comes up with some gold nuggets…
“I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees.. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a crèche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.”
Thank you Mr. Stein for those words of wisdom …and Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah….to the rest of you that find it offensive…bite me.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Isn’t that sweet you can spell the word fuck…… you know sometimes I just want to go off on these kids. And honestly if I could have had one wish today it would have been to be able to say whatever I wanted to them without any professional repercussions. Now if I lived in a perfect world and was granted that little wish this is what I would have said in response to their little antics.
Nice….I see you can spell the word fuck…but let’s take this teachable moment one step further and learn how to use it correctly in a sentence you little fuckheads! Oh see, I just used a derivative of the word fuck to describe you little shits.
Ok take out a piece of paper and a pencil butheads and prepare to learn something.. let me break this down for you punks….First of all the word “Fuck” can fall into several grammatical categories…in other words it’s versatile and has many meanings.
It can be used as a transitive verb such as “Jimmy fucked Janie”, and also as an intransitive verb as in “Jimmy and Jane fucked”. It can also be used in the form of an active verb “Tommy fucked Mary” or a passive verb…. “Tommy got fucked over by Mary”
Ok moving onto some more advanced uses of the word “fuck”, let’s try using it as an adverb, “You kids talk to fucking much in class” or as an adjective “Anderson Cooper is a fucking hottie”…oops sorry It’s just hard for me not to think of the word fuck without him popping up in my mind….Ok back on task….
So I can tell by the blank looks on your faces that this lesson is going over your fucking heads so let’s water it down a bit for you Einsteins and give you some real world examples that you can use without having to diagram sentences to get the meaning.
For example the next time you are confused about a question on one of your assignments instead of raising your hand to ask for help simply blurt out “I don’t fucking get what this question is asking.”
Or how about when I ask you to stop talking and get to work you could show your refusal by stating ….."Oh Fuck Off", that’d be a sweet use of the word.
Then when I tell you stop using foul language in the classroom you respond with a statement of denial “I didn’t fucking do it” I respond I am not deaf, I heard you, and you express your apathy by replying “Who gives a fuck”. That’s when I say you’ll give a fuck when you are sitting in front of the fucking principal with a fucking discipline in your hand….you then resign to the fact that your ass is busted and respond “oh Fuck it” and on your way out the door to the office whine in despair, “Once again I am Fucked over by the Man” I simply grin and say, “That’s what you get for daring to fucking swear in my fucking classroom you fucktard.”
Or you all could just quit fucking spelling the word “FUCK” on my board and sit in your fucking seats and fucking humor me and fucking perpetuate the illusion that I am actually fucking teaching you something….and that you are actually willingly learning something….that would be absofuckinglutely wonderful.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
I mean a good three seconds go by from the initial flinging of one shoe to the final fling of that last, and then another three seconds before the Secret Service come strolling through the door behind him….I am thinking the past eight years with old George has shaved a few points off their IQ. It doesn’t give me confidence in their ability to protect our next president.
Oh and hell I think Dombrowski needs to make a call…… that reporter had some heat on those shoes and his aim was pretty good, we can use another consistent righthander on the mound in the ghetto.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I am painfully aware that once this tone emerges there’s no going back. No amount of explaining, debating, or pleading will negate its presence. It hangs there in the air like a thick fog slowly choking the communication between us. It’s a point of no return and the best we can do is to call it a night and wait. Wait till this fog lifts and our vision clears. And so I wait……….wait…for your voice to change.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The worst offenders are the woman who fall into the last two categories, which only adds to this seemingly stereotypical image of us chicks. The women who are considered whores can't seem to figure out why no man will "ultimately love" them when they can't seem to love themselves enough to not spread their legs for any jack off that gives them the slightest bit of attention or infection.
Then there are the fucknuts, You know the ones that are talking about getting married after 2 dates, have a lifetime subscription to Brides Magazine and have picked out their dress and put it on layawy by the 4th date. They are the ones that follow you around town, just happen to show up at the same bar as you and your buds are hanging at and is most likely the one who poured sugar in your gas tank and carved that term of endearment "cocksucker" into the side of your car.
Let's face it....men want someone who will put up with them scratching their nads and hogging the remote and the occasional blowjob on their birthday...they want a lady on the street and a freak in the bed. Us women want to be adored and doted on and of course to be emotionally nurtured...it's a wonder anyone ever hooks up.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Yep that's me listed as the number one top personal blog on the fuel my blog website..who know's how long it will be there, or if it will ever rank up there again but it gave me motivation to keep blogging. So to all my faithful readers and my new readers that fueled me to the top "thanks a bunch" , it means a lot to me.
So gangsta Thanks!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Student is not working to their potential
Basically this means your child sets low personal standards for themselves and consistently fails to achieve them. There’s nothing worse than a kid with an IQ over 80 who consistently scores lower on assignments than my kids that are borderline Cognitively Impaired, how retarded is that?
Student is inattentive in class
In other words Johnny works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap. But as long as I keep waving shiny objects in front of him he’s good to go. Note to self I need some more tin foil.
Student is talkative in class
Look your kid has verbal diarrhea, she couldn’t shut her pie hole if her life depended on it. She thinks nothing of carrying on a conversation while sitting 6 inches from me and when asked to shut her trap has the nerve to tell me “just a minute I am not finished”. I’m seriously considering a muzzle for her.
Working to capacity
I know this will sound heartless but this is the polite way of saying your kid is just a big sack of stupid. In other words the wheels are turning but the hamster died the first day of kindergarten. I hate to say it, but when he drank from the fountain of knowledge….he only gargled, and on top of that he spit out what little he took in.
Lacks effective study habits:
Instead of completing study guides for upcoming tests he draws inappropriate symbols such as swastikas and the conferderate flag, oh and don’t forget the other terms of endearment such as kike, gook, beaner and his all time fav my niggar….yeah it’s amazing that he can’t spell his way out of a paper bag but sure as hell can spell all those words right.
And last but not least….
Student takes on a leadership role….yeah more like his friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
***Don't leave me hate mail homeschoolers, and PTA Leaders, if you can't realize this was tongue in cheek then you need to take the stick outta your ass and watch some Cheech and Chong movies while smoking a fattie.
Now I should have known that this year’s meetings were going to be memorable when my first customer of the day was Jimmy Whinercroft’s mom. You know that little angel that told me I needed to take my anti-bitch meds earlier this year. Anyway one of my main issues I wanted to bring up with her was the possibility of her giving him his meds at home before coming to school, something that would dramatically help him to focus and not disrupt the first thirty minutes of my first hour everyday. Strike one for Kat…I was told in no certain terms “Yeah, like I am going to get my ass out of bed, listen to him whine while I try to get him to swallow a pill at 6 am in the morning only to have it wear off by 6 pm…are you crazy?, I need him to be medicated till at least 8 pm, he’s totally out of control otherwise.” Yeah I am painfully aware of that….thanks for the support Mom of the Year.
Then there was the parent who blew their nose right after sitting down to talk to me…it’s bad enough I had to listen to them blow their chunks into a handkerchief and then stuff that squishy mess back into their pocket…but they had some green remnants hanging out of their right nostril during the entire meeting. No amount hinting to that elusive lougie dangling from their overgrown nose hairs helped, and of course I couldn’t take my eyes off that thing. It was like a train wreck I couldn’t look away…I was just obsessed with it, thinking if they licked their lips it was definitely going to get sucked into their mouth at which point I think I would have ralphed right there. Needless to say I didn’t shake their hand when they left and immediately wiped down the table with hand sanitizer.
Let’s me just say this, single Dad’s….don’t start your parent teacher conference off with little gems like this…“Wow, my son wasn’t lying…you are schwing material” Ok what am I supposed to say to that, other than to make a mental note that I need to do a lesson on Sexual Harassment and then send the lesson plans home for Dad too. I guess it could have been worse…this is the same kid I overheard behind my back in the hall saying to some unknown lucky recipient…. “dang I’d love to tap that ass!” Please god I hope he wasn’t talking about me.
Just as I got my thoughts together another parent plopped herself down at the table in front of me, ahh a normal parent, finally…. well sort of. Everything was going fine till her infant son began to get fussy. She made a statement about it being near his feeding time, which I took as a hint to wrap up the conference, but nooooo she just whips out her breast right there and starts breast feeding him. Now I don’t have a problem normally with breast feeding in public but she made no effort to even be discrete. Basically it was Mammary Madness, and to make matters worse the kid had the suction action of a Dyson. All that slurping, I could barely think, and the fact that I saw one of my parents nips…yeah that image is gonna be burned in my brain for a long time….
But the parent that took the cake was the one who claimed I never help her child in class, HELLO! Sped Teacher here! That’s my specialty…Individualized Education! At this point I am completely exhausted and well not ready to put up with any more of this woman’s bullshit that she’s been giving me all year.
So I patiently listen to her complete nonsense and decided to use some reverse psychology on her, and simply tell her that everything her son says about me is completely true…yep the reason your son is failing every class he is enrolled in is because every time he asks me for help I ignore him. I actually even make it point to ask every other student in the class if they need help and completely disregard his needs. I’ve never worked with him in a small group or even given him one on one instruction when he didn’t grasp the concept the first, second or third time. I’ve never pulled him aside and informed him that he is failing miserably and asked him what I can do to help. Nope the truth is when I see his hand go up I look right past him as if he is invisible.
Needless to say when she picked her jaw up off the table, I told her that I was being sarcastic…and the complete opposite was true. Yeah probably not the best move but I know I wouldn’t get so much as a slap on the wrist from administration for doing it since the principal basically told me I was on my own when dealing with this loon for a parent because she refuses to even meet with her anymore. I have to admit it felt good setting her straight. Every year I say there is no way last years conferences could possibly be out done, but every year I am proven wrong. Oh and yeah as much bitching as I do….I really do like my job.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
4 66.67% doug goff.com
1 16.67% kat822 is a bitch
1 16.67% douggoff.com
But what was even more entertaining is what I found when I actually googled
Kat822 is a bitch.....
Sweet my web nemesis is living up to her reputation
So I decided to look at my key word analysis and came up with some interesting stuff of my own ....
1 0.99% dad.fuck.litter.boy ---whoooooooh what the hellz
1 0.99% mark stebbins ferndale blog ----what the fuck this is my blog wankers, look at me damn it not mark stebbins!
1 0.99% have you ever seen your roommate jerk off? --- ok why do I get these search results? I've never blogged about anything remotely near that, oh wait there is that one post ..damn it.
1 0.99% dog shit neighbors --- glad to see I am not the only one with this problem
1 0.99% thongs ride-up-in-the-crack --- seriously is this an issue people, it's a thong
Ok people share your weird key word analysis
Thursday, November 13, 2008
5. Special education teachers
Job Description: Teach school subjects to educationally and physically handicapped students.
Very happy: 52.6%Median salary (preschool, kindergarten or elementary school): $41,344Median salary (secondary school): $43,060
Actually I think I'd say that overall I am more than fifty percent happy with my job...but the one thing I hate about it is Parent Teacher Conferences...which are tonight...well at least it will provide for some great blog fodder, it always does. And it will give Doug some student and parent trashing that he always looks forward to. So stay tuned for some... sure to be hilarious Parent Teacher Stories from Hell. I know you are just sitting on pins and needles..yeah right.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Of course this person's emotions were running high as it was becoming quite evident that their choice of candidates was not going to win. Now I know I'm not going to agree with everyone's politial views, and that's fine and expected, but I wasn't prepared for one of the arguments, or should I say accusations that was made concerning my vote that was cast that night.
The comment in question went something like this...."You know Kat Obama is Pro-Choice".
Yes I am aware of that, however I don't feel you can base your choice for president on "one" single issue alone. That coupled with the fact that I personally feel that Roe v Wade will never be overturned in this country, ever.
"Well by casting your vote for him tonight you are responsible for contributing to babies being killed, you will be held responsible, and judged for that"
WHooooooooh, WTF, last time I checked I wasn't writing support checks to the the local abortion clinic. I am sure most of you have figured out I am personally against abortion, I feel it's taking a life, plain and simple. But I don't have the right to judge others for the legal choices they make. I've sat in the abortion clinic with a friend as she made that choice, and I've witnessed the aftermath of such choices. Regardless of the degree there are ramifications of such a decision , I've been witness to that. Regardless I think nothing less of this person and am grateful I have never had to walk a mile in her shoes.
But as far as being "personally" responsible- I don't agree... Look I am the first to admit I'm a sinner, hell (see what I mean) I'm sure my hommie J.C. is shaking his head and rolling his eyes at me about every 30 seconds. I'm not perfect, I admit it, but when it comes to sins I've asked absolution for....baby killer is not on that list. I'll leave it up to you imagination what will be though....Later wankers gotta go Father Fitzpatrick is holding the confessional booth for me.
Before You comment! Disclaimer: This post is not an invitation to debate the moral or political aspects of abortion. I know what my position is, you know what yours is, and I am not trying to convince you in anyway to agree with me, and personally nothing you say to me or I could say to you will in essence sway any one's opinion...so let's leave it at that.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Guess I’ll have to listen to the radio, something I very rarely do unless there is a ball game on…So I flip the tuner to the first non-sports talk station I find and I’m completely floored……What’s this I hear? ……Jingle Bells? Grandma got run over by a reindeer?
Have I stepped into some time travel vortex in which I’ve speed traveled a month into the future? No, actually, the yahoo’s at this particular radio station decided that the day after Halloween was an appropriate time to start playing Christmas music 24/7.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a Christmas song as much as the next person but a full 8 weeks before the actual holiday is a bit much….don’t cha think? I mean I hadn’t even flossed out all the candy corn out of my teeth yet and they are wanting me to deck my halls with boughs of holly….. Personally I think there ought to be a one week minimum waiting period before the next holiday can even be mentioned, give our bodies a chance to come down from the sugar highs at least people……..sheeeeeeeze.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Mich. woman: Supporting Obama? No treats for you
Sat Nov 1, 4:29 pm ET
GROSSE POINTE FARMS, Mich. – A suburban Detroit woman has decided to scare up the vote among neighborhood children by just offering treats to John McCain supporters.
Shirley Nagel of Grosse Pointe Farms, Mich., handed out candy Friday only to those who shared her support for the Republican presidential candidate and his running mate Sarah Palin. Others were turned away empty-handed.
TV station WJBK says a sign outside Nagel's house warned: "No handouts for Obama supporters, liars, tricksters or kids of supporters."
Nagel calls Democrat Barack Obama "scary." When asked about children who were turned away empty-handed and crying, she said: "Oh well. Everybody has a choice."
Fax and phone messages left at numbers for Nagel were not returned.
But Kat was able to get an exclusive on what Ms Nagel's house looked like the morning after....
Damn those ghetto kiddies take their trick or treating seriously......................
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I have to admit this one is my favorite, I mean if you are gonna dress up dogs at least have a sence of humor about it...
Friday, October 10, 2008
Next it’s Meds and Roll call. Never heard of such a monster? It’s when I take roll and also check to see who is benefiting from a little help from their friend. I’ve got 3 kids on ADD and Anti Psychotic/Anxiety drugs in this particular class. Not taking the time to ensure that those jagged little pills are swallowed will certainly spell disaster later in the day.
So I begin—Amy? -“here” –Meds Down? “Yes”
Tommy? “here”- Meds Down? “No” ---ok go to the office and take them
Jimmy? “here” Meds Down? “I don’t need no stinking meds!”
Yes you do.
“NO I DON”T!!! I hate that crap it makes me a zombie.”
You need it so you can be productive Jimmy, go take your meds and be prepared to do the tongue test so we know it went down otherwise we are going to have wrap it in a piece of cheese like you do for Fido and rub your neck till you swallow it.
“Fine I’ll take my freaking meds, but only if you take some anti-bitch meds and get off my ass!”>insert door slamming and stomping down the stairs. Wow a new record two weekend words in one sentence, good job Jimmy.
Sometimes I think I am just Nurse Ratched, dispensing little cups of happy pills to my students in an ill attempt to stave off them shanking me or another student the first chance they get. Unfortunately this year, I think it’s inevitable , drugs down or not.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Friday, September 05, 2008
Sunday, February 03, 2008
According to this extremely "scientific" source (tongue in cheek) I have enough power in my body to light up 2 light bulbs; wow not sure I could get two light bulbs in my mouth to test out that theory. I also could power 59 iPods, hummm damn if I could just power the "one" I have that'd be great, that sucker is forever dying on me.
Oh and supposedly I have enough electrical energy to power 1 Xbox 360, don't tell Greg that, he'll be wanting me to come to Cali just so I could charge his Xbox while he play his Guitar Hero game. I can just see me on the hamster wheel now, while he's yelling run faster Kat, I have a two minute solo coming up....Ohhhhh Barracuda!
Monday, January 28, 2008
I don't know if it's cabin fever or what, but my student's behaviors have been completely terrible the past two weeks. Unless you've hung around middle school students lately, and in particular one's with special needs, I don't think you can completely understand what I deal with on a good day let alone a bad one. Now I am not just talking that my students are slow to learn, that is the least of my problems, no I am dealing with bi-polar, schizophrenic, and emotionally impairments on top of the learning disabilities. It can make for some tough days.
Just when I think the day can't get any worse I am delivered the news that I will be getting a new student...not just any student, but the worst behaved student in my grade. Adding him to the current crazy mixture is going to be nothing but disastrous.
Now I am not one to give up on a kid so easily, in fact I am usually the one last shot for a kid to get his shit together. I usually have success with even the most hard-core students. But I am felling like I 'm being set up to fail with this kid. He already has a file that is 5 inches thick of documentation of his ill behaviors beginning on the first day of kindergarten though this year.
He already has a parole officer and has been hauled out of school in handcuffs by our liasion officer. Oh did I mention I teach in a "Public" school? Who'd of thunk hugh? The principal as warned our team of teachers that this kid would blow one day before the end of the school year, unfortunately I have a bad feeling it's going to happen in my class. He's got one more chance this year, if he messes up once more he will begin his carreer of incarsaration by going to the juvinile detention center.
I'm trying to be optimistic here but I am afreaid this is going to end badly, thinking he's gonna go out with a bang----I just pray that involve the need for handcuffs or an ambulence. Or more importantly me being hauled off in an ambulence. Yeah I am really loving my job today, now you know why I sooooo need my summer vacation.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Now my Ipod hates me...yeah joined the crowd and my Parents bought me one for Christmas. Its the New Nano with video..not that I will ever figure out how to get any porn on there. So much for porn on the go. Anyway, love it.. well when the fucker works that is.
Basically it has been a pain in the ass since I took it out of the box. First it didn't want to sync, then out of the blue the screen whited out. I could listen to music however couldn't read the menu which well made it difficult. So I call Apple support and get a very peppy operator named Krissy to help me reset the little fucker. Finally I can read the menu, well I could if I was bilingual that is, yeah the damn thing reset to Fucking Chinese!
I asked my new BFF Krissy how the hell that could have happened and she replied "Heck if I know", not too encouraging when the so called professional can't explain that one. To rub salt in my wounds she adds "I have never in my 6 months at Apple ever encountered such a weird problem." Ok, maybe she's not an expert, but she has 6 months more experience than me with this technology, and I prefer the term quirky Krissy, telling me my Ipod is weird is giving me a complex. So the Ipod stayed fixed all of ten minutes and went back to wigging out immediately, but made a miraculous recovery the next morning and seems to be working fine since.
But getting back to the whole electrical vortex thing...I really think there is something to it. Greg said I should do an experiment to text it. Something about a light bulb, licking my lips, and a battery....(ok that sounded a bit freaky) I'm not Bill Nye but I think he's trying to pull a fast one on me. Of course part of me wants to believe him and get some scientific evidence to my hypothesis, on the otherhand, this is the same guy who convinced me to ask the cashier at the grocery store if I could sample groceries before I buy them. I wonder if Einstein struggled with such issues? Damn I just gave myself a shock, see what I mean now?
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
New York Mets Playoff Tickets
For a limited time only all Mets Playoff Tickets are reduced.
All I can say is a fool and his money are soon departed....yeah the smack talk is starting early.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
And this is what it says……….
Hi, Mom, you know, I'm 13 years old now and I've decided that selling my pussy is the direction I'm leaning to take with my life since you obviously don't want me to be happy because you refuse to buy me a cell phone. Like, whatever! With the help of messages like this courtesy of America’s favorite retailer, I know the important things in life, like, cool clothes and cash, cash, cash. And, in the end, I gotta work the snatch to get it. Oh and there are some really cool clear stripper shoes in the shoe department too, I mean everyone is wearing them Mom.
Seriously what has raising a teenager girl come to when parent’s goals are to keep their daughters off the poles? I feel sorry for you Greg, be strong man, and keep the guns loaded!