Saturday, September 12, 2009

How To NOT Impress Your Child's Teacher At Open House

Every school year all us teachers are required to attend an open house night. This is a night where parents come and listen to a presentation put on by the teachers outlining school and classroom policys. It's also a time for us to meet parents and answer any questions they may have.

It is not....I repeat NOT a night for you to share anything and everything about the dynamics of your short you should be putting your best foot forward with us teachers not seemingly going out of your way to further convice me that you should never have reproduced in the first place!

The following are examples of how to NOT impress me, your child's teacher on Open House Night. All of the example listed here are sadly true and are the primo highlights of my Open House experiences in my last 15 years of teaching, believe me people I could not make this shit up if I wanted to.................

Admitting to me that you not only bought your kid their first joint, but then sat down and smoked it with them under the dillusion that "at least they weren't getting high out on the street" is not really going to give me the impression you are Mother of the Year. Let's see encouraging the use of illeal drugs by a minor isn't really great parenting skills in my book, sorry you immediately are placed on the LOSER Mommy List honey.

Discussing with me your child's bowel movements is not really something I need to know, especially the length, color, frequency of said movements and their aroma is not something I really need to know....and throwing in the fact that you have to have your septic tank pumped every other month because of your kids monster turds really has no bearing on their academic well being. Leave the poopy talk at home please.

Dad's that Point out all the Mom's in the room that they partied with at the bar over the summer then took home and "tapped" is not relevant information that I need to know. Honestly the thought of your naked sweaty beer bellied body doing my students Mom doggie style is not a mental image I want to have come parent teacher confrence time.

Telling me the reason your son always falls asleep in class is because you kept him out till 1 am every night this week, because he plays bass in your band at the local bar, isn't really gonna score points with me.

Telling me what a ho your daughter is and stating that your goal is for her to make it through 8th grade without getting knocked up is really kinda of sad. I mean how am I supposed to respond to that???

Telling me you think the principal is an asshole in front of your child and then following that up with the fact that you outwardly encourage your child to misbehave at school just so it will ruin his day, is not really setting a good example on respecting authority figures. Makes me wonder..

Giving a mini seminar to all the other Sped Moms on how to milk the system and get a monthly social security check from the government because your kid has a learning disability. Then openly discuss how you use it for your "beer and cigarette fund"
Glad to know my tax dollars are going to fund your habits, right on.

And last but not least...Letting your child pass out flyers about a party they are throwing the following night at their house for all the 8th grade students, then telling me I am welome to come but it is BYOB....ok let me just grab my fifth of Jim Bean and I'll be right over. Seriously people I'll be getting my drink on in the privacy of my own home trying to forget the terrible impressions of your parenting skills that you have burned into my memory banks. Now if you'll excuse me I am off to get my drink on and try to forget what a LONG year this is going to be.