Ahhhh that time of the year I so look forward too, parent teacher conferences…Not! It’s not that I don’t like meeting with parents I do, but having to deal with these entire yahoo’s one after another is simply exhausting.
Now I should have known that this year’s meetings were going to be memorable when my first customer of the day was Jimmy Whinercroft’s mom. You know that little angel that told me I needed to take my anti-bitch meds earlier this year. Anyway one of my main issues I wanted to bring up with her was the possibility of her giving him his meds at home before coming to school, something that would dramatically help him to focus and not disrupt the first thirty minutes of my first hour everyday. Strike one for Kat…I was told in no certain terms “Yeah, like I am going to get my ass out of bed, listen to him whine while I try to get him to swallow a pill at 6 am in the morning only to have it wear off by 6 pm…are you crazy?, I need him to be medicated till at least 8 pm, he’s totally out of control otherwise.” Yeah I am painfully aware of that….thanks for the support Mom of the Year.
Then there was the parent who blew their nose right after sitting down to talk to me…it’s bad enough I had to listen to them blow their chunks into a handkerchief and then stuff that squishy mess back into their pocket…but they had some green remnants hanging out of their right nostril during the entire meeting. No amount hinting to that elusive lougie dangling from their overgrown nose hairs helped, and of course I couldn’t take my eyes off that thing. It was like a train wreck I couldn’t look away…I was just obsessed with it, thinking if they licked their lips it was definitely going to get sucked into their mouth at which point I think I would have ralphed right there. Needless to say I didn’t shake their hand when they left and immediately wiped down the table with hand sanitizer.
Let’s me just say this, single Dad’s….don’t start your parent teacher conference off with little gems like this…“Wow, my son wasn’t lying…you are schwing material” Ok what am I supposed to say to that, other than to make a mental note that I need to do a lesson on Sexual Harassment and then send the lesson plans home for Dad too. I guess it could have been worse…this is the same kid I overheard behind my back in the hall saying to some unknown lucky recipient…. “dang I’d love to tap that ass!” Please god I hope he wasn’t talking about me.
Just as I got my thoughts together another parent plopped herself down at the table in front of me, ahh a normal parent, finally…. well sort of. Everything was going fine till her infant son began to get fussy. She made a statement about it being near his feeding time, which I took as a hint to wrap up the conference, but nooooo she just whips out her breast right there and starts breast feeding him. Now I don’t have a problem normally with breast feeding in public but she made no effort to even be discrete. Basically it was Mammary Madness, and to make matters worse the kid had the suction action of a Dyson. All that slurping, I could barely think, and the fact that I saw one of my parents nips…yeah that image is gonna be burned in my brain for a long time….
But the parent that took the cake was the one who claimed I never help her child in class, HELLO! Sped Teacher here! That’s my specialty…Individualized Education! At this point I am completely exhausted and well not ready to put up with any more of this woman’s bullshit that she’s been giving me all year.
So I patiently listen to her complete nonsense and decided to use some reverse psychology on her, and simply tell her that everything her son says about me is completely true…yep the reason your son is failing every class he is enrolled in is because every time he asks me for help I ignore him. I actually even make it point to ask every other student in the class if they need help and completely disregard his needs. I’ve never worked with him in a small group or even given him one on one instruction when he didn’t grasp the concept the first, second or third time. I’ve never pulled him aside and informed him that he is failing miserably and asked him what I can do to help. Nope the truth is when I see his hand go up I look right past him as if he is invisible.
Needless to say when she picked her jaw up off the table, I told her that I was being sarcastic…and the complete opposite was true. Yeah probably not the best move but I know I wouldn’t get so much as a slap on the wrist from administration for doing it since the principal basically told me I was on my own when dealing with this loon for a parent because she refuses to even meet with her anymore. I have to admit it felt good setting her straight. Every year I say there is no way last years conferences could possibly be out done, but every year I am proven wrong. Oh and yeah as much bitching as I do….I really do like my job.